Forgiveness Part 2: Act On It

In the last post, I talked about how forgiveness isn't optional. God commands us to be good forgivers. I remember when God gave me a feeling of conviction for avoiding someone because I refused to forgive them. I wrestled with God for a while before I finally relented. I started to work to forgive the person. I began trying to view the situation from their perspective and stopped thinking hateful things toward the person. I even responded to the person when they spoke to me.

      I thought I was doing great...until God spoke once more. I felt convicted again about not forgiving the person. I argued with God because I didn't understand. I really thought I had, but He showed me that I hadn't. There was still a wall I put up to protect myself from being hurt by the person again. I was playing it safe and was as distant as I could be while not shutting them out. I'd like to clarify something though. God was showing me that I hadn't forgiven because I was still keeping track of all the ways the person hurt me in the past and using it to keep my wall up. Forgiveness doesn't mean that we can't have boundaries or keep ourselves safe. We still have to be wise, but we need to let go of the idea that the person has to pay (there are still consequences, but we need to let the appropriate people handle them, like the police, disciplinarians, or the pastor). Yes, I was "protecting" myself, but looking back at the situation, there was no real threat. Plus, honestly, I just liked hurting the person by cutting them out of my life. I didn't want them to forget or get away with how they'd hurt me.

      I have come to learn that when God brings up forgiveness, it isn't always about forgiving someone new, it is often about doing it better and acting it out. Paul talked about forgiveness in his letter to the church in Ephesus. In Ephesians 4:31-32 (NLT) he says, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” Unforgiveness stunts our growth. It breeds bitterness, which causes us to distrust people, live selfishly, and become calloused. This is the exact opposite of what God calls us to be like. We are meant to truly care for and cover over one another. That's what Jesus did for us. There are still consequences for our sin, but we don't have to pay a price on top of that in order to get into God's presence.

      Earlier in the same chapter, Paul said, “Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace” (Ephesians 4:1-3 NLT). We aren't called to live in disrupted unity, but instead in peace with each other. How can a church that is divided truly hope to testify to the love and sovereignty of our Lord? We need to be patient and show grace toward one another. He even said that we have to allow for each other's faults. Of course it doesn't make it okay, but there's a different attitude that goes with that. It actively seeks to build up and restore rather than condemn.

      Forgiveness sounds so simple sometimes, but it is a sacrifice. You have to actively choose to stop focusing on (but continue working through) your pain. It is often a continual choice and process because as you move forward in it, God will show you how your actions don't fully line up with the act. Choosing to stew in negative thoughts about the person or hope for the worst is not forgiveness (even if you didn't talk bad about them, lash out at the person, or physically hurt them). In order to change our hearts or thoughts, we need to actively do the opposite of what's in them. Instead, pray for God to work in and mature them, pray for their other relationships and friendships, and that they will encounter His love. It can be difficult to pray for them (especially when they haven't apologized to you or even recognized their wrong doing), but it definitely sets up a different response to the pain you feel. Rather than seeking to hurt them back, you are actually spiritually waging war on behalf of them. 

      When the situation does not call for you to actually have the need to guard yourself (the person isn't physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive) act out your forgiveness (with a smile, acknowledgment, a drawing, etc.). Take small steps at first. I kept trying to make forgiveness solely this mental thing but I realized that when we physically act on it, it becomes easier to do. Rather than just having that recent sting, you now have other interactions with each other to keep in mind instead. Plus, you are disciplining yourself to do what is contrary to what you may feel. It's not being two faced (you aren't then going and wishing for the worst for them), it's choosing to honor God rather than your pride.

      Even processing through the pain you feel can make you a better forgiver because you can work out why what they did specifically hurt you and allow God to heal that wound. This doesn't mean you can never bring it up with the person, but a lot of times we hold onto the pain and turn it into baggage even after it's been addressed. It'll make its way into a conversation or attitude. We never actually forgive the person for what happened, we just pretend to let it go and then let it continue to creep up at later times. If you are doing this then it is a huge indicator that you still haven't forgiven the person and have some work to do. 

      Forgiveness is all about letting go of the debt you think you're owed. It is the exact opposite of our mindset. When someone hurts us we immediately can jump to the conclusion that they have work to do, but, ironically, WE have to do the work to forgive. That's difficult, but if God is willing to forgive them, who are we to do or say otherwise. We are supposed to be like Christ. Just think about it, He worked (through the crucifixion) in order to forgive us. It's time for us to act on our faith, follow His command to forgive, and get to work.