Forgiveness Part 3: Labels

Forgiving someone is hard work. When God put this topic on my heart, I didn't know where to start because there is so much to say. As I began to explore what God wanted me to talk about there were a few different areas I felt like God wanted me to address. In my first post in this series I wrote about how forgiveness is an act of obedience to God because throughout the Bible He calls His followers (including us) to forgive. In the second post I talked about how when it comes time to forgive, our natural feeling is that others have work to do but, really, forgiveness means that WE have work to do. We have to go through the process of changing our attitude toward and thoughts about the person in order to truly follow through on forgiving him or her. That is a rough one and it can take a long time, but don't give up! Forgiveness is a process that we are able to see realized as we grow in our walk with God.

      One of the things God taught me when He put this series on my heart was that forgiveness means we take away the label we've given someone after an incident. This was such a new concept for me but it made so much sense. When someone does something to offend us, it's easy for us to label them as the ones who've done wrong, are guilty, or who hurt others. We then label ourselves as the victim, the hurt ones, or those who are innocent.

      These labels get in the way of our relationship with God because we think of the other person as the one who hurts rather than ourselves and so we think we don't need His grace as much as they do. We start to see ourselves in this light in other situations as well. Instead of being people who can hurt/offend others sometimes, we can begin to view ourselves as belonging in the opposite category: as people who others hurt and offend. To forgive is scary because it leaves us open to being a part of the negative/hurting category. It means that God can point out to us the ways we've sinned as the other person has. Suddenly it leaves us open to being a little more like "them". 

      It can be confusing because our identity is no longer clear without the polarity (either being one extreme or the other). Am I the innocent one or the guilty one? Am I the one who hurts others or the one who gets hurt by them? The truth is, we are all a mixture of both. In Romans 3:23-24 (NLT) Paul says, “For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God freely and graciously declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins.” None of us are perfect, but when we've been hurt we don't want to be aligned with those who've hurt us. We don't want to be categorized with them. Truthfully, we've all done wrong. We've all sinned to the point that we didn't deserve to stand in God's presence because at one point or another we've offended Him. Yet, despite that He sacrificed His Son for us.

     Besides not wanting to be characterized in the same way as the other person, there's also the fact that victims are owed something. There's a sense of entitlement. It's the mindset that someone has to pay for the wrong done to us. It doesn't seem just if the person gets away with it. I can understand that perspective, but just because it's understandable does not mean it is right. James says, “Don’t speak evil against each other, dear brothers and sisters. If you criticize and judge each other, then you are criticizing and judging God’s law. But your job is to obey the law, not to judge whether it applies to you. God alone, who gave the law, is the Judge. He alone has the power to save or to destroy. So what right do you have to judge your neighbor?” (James 4:11-12). Whether what the person has done is right or wrong, the consequence is not up to you (unless you are someone in a position that gives you that authority). Only God can judge how His law applies to others. Worry about whether what you are doing (or how you are responding) lines up with God's Word instead of looking at what the other person is doing.

      Again, this does not mean a person who has the authority to give out consequences should neglect to do so. God put you in that position for a reason! It also does not mean that if the offense done against you is a serious one (someone has harmed you sexually, physically, emotionally, etc.) you should pretend it never happened. Forgiveness means you let the proper authorities handle that part and then you do the work to get through what was done to you. Deal with your baggage, but don't try to put it onto the other person. 

      Another important point to remember is that confrontation is different from condemnation. Just because you want to bring the offense to the other person's attention does not make it wrong. It's the heart behind it that determines that. Do you want to resolve things with the person or punish them/make them pay for what they did?

      Maybe some of you don't have a problem forgiving others but you have a hard time forgiving yourself because you've labeled yourself the screwup or the one who ruins everything or always hurts people. You have to forgive yourself. You may have issues to work on but you have to stop putting that label on yourself. You can notice the pattern without condemning yourself to being that one way. Sometimes we use our labels as an excuse. That's just the way I am... It will always be this way... Knowing how you are does not mean you excuse the behavior. It means you know what to watch out for and work to improve on.

      The problem with labels is that it gets in the way of what God wants to do in you as a new creation. In 2 Corinthians 5:17-21 Paul says, "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him. For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation. So we are Christ’s ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, 'Come back to God!' For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ.”

      We're not called to remind people of who they were or have been, we are called to offer them the hope of newness and salvation in Christ. When we keep bringing up a person's past and refuse to let them move into newness in God, we are getting in the way of His plans. He loves bringing people hope and new life. It brings Him joy to see His children come to Him and accept this gift. He proudly watches as, with His help, transformation takes place. Our habit of labeling can discourage people from seeing the work He is doing in them. It can bring them to a place of hopelessness. They may feel trapped in that identity. In fact, it may discourage people from pursuing a relationship with God because they don't feel good enough for Him. They've been categorized as something negative and they get to a point where they believe God doesn't want them. From the piece of Scripture we just read, though, we can see that nothing is further from the truth. Plus, our job is actually to help people come to/reconcile with Him! 

      Our labels get in the way of our growth and God's call on our lives. Rather than looking at things from such a distorted lens, let us look at them more realistically. You may have been hurt, but you aren't a perpetual victim. Someone may have offended you but that doesn't make them a bad person. If it was a one time thing, deal with it. Confront the person and if the situation calls for it, bring in the proper authorities, and then let it be a one time thing. You can guard yourself without harboring bitterness. Caution isn't the same as hate. No one is perfect so don't put that impossible load on anyone. God forgave you so that you could follow His example and forgive others.