Building Resilience

(A spot in Arizona my dad took me to visit in 2015. 

People who lack resilience have little hope because they do not see much they can work with or do in their lives to create change. Their circumstance seems almost too vast for them to see beyond.)

Recently, I read an article about suicide being prevalent in young adult media. Part of the allure may be that the taboo topic is finally gaining light. There may be a sense of finally being understood. But at the same time, it is alarming because it means that many are relating to this sense of hopelessness. There is a finality to suicide. It is a quick fix to the overwhelming issues that a person is facing. 

      As loved ones or people who help others, this can be scary. Instilling a sense of resilience in people is so important in this time. That can sound like too big a task, but there are things we can all do to help. 

      We need to start teaching people that it is okay to not be perfect and stop setting unrealistic expectations. This does not excuse people from maturing and growth. In fact, it frees them to enter into that process. The term “adulting” has become popular. Young people are figuring out how to be adults. They are trying to understand their role in all that is going on in the world and how to survive (in a practical sense and in a mental health sense). 

      Changing the world and making a difference seems difficult and daunting. Existing in the world as it is feels the same. There is a war waging within people as they try to understand what this means for them, and at the same time, trying to make sense of how they feel and what they are experiencing in any given day. Some people have taken all these factors and turned to suicide because it is the only area where they can see a sense of control and release.

      We need to let people know (but not in a dismissive way) it is okay to be hurting and angry. These emotions are real and strong at times. They can become overpowering to the point of hopelessness. There are three verses in Paul’s letter to the Romans that can teach us how to help people through their hopelessness. In Romans 12:12-13 and 15 (NLT), Paul writes, “Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality. Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep." 

      There will be trouble and weeping in a person’s life. We are called to remember the hope we have in God, but many times that happens in community. We inadvertently tell people they are wrong to feel what they do when we give up on them or only ever give them advice. We need to see the heart behind the pain. If we give up on them, then who will help them see that they do not have to turn to suicide. Advice can be good, but sometimes we are so quick to speak and slow to listen. Just remember that each piece of advice you give may add to the list of seemingly impossible tasks for the person. Sometimes we need to walk with people and show them how to succeed, not just tell them how.

      In fact, showing people who are experiencing hopelessness may have a greater impact than words in many different ways. Show people it is okay to be confused and hurting by not avoiding it, rushing through these emotions, or just making them out to be negative. This will show people that what they are feeling is not a sign of weakness, but emotions everyone experiences at some point. It will show them they can get through whatever they are feeling or going through.   

      Show, do not just tell them, how to pursue God in this time by trusting in Him with them (not just for them). Seek what the Bible says with them and pray with them. Help them see the ways in their life that God has moved or been present during this time (try to be as specific as possible). When people feel hopeless, God can seem far away or disappointed. Help them engage in the truth and keep connected with God so that they will be encouraged to do so when they are on their own. Help them get to know Him again if they have forgotten who He is. 

      Another way to help is to be realistic with them and teach them that issues do not always get resolved. Instead of that preventing them from trying, that can help them see that there may not be something wrong with them if their issues do not get fixed. There may be other factors or people that are preventing the desired results. Show them how to live and succeed in spite of not seeing the results they wanted. However, if there is an issue stemming from or escalated by their behavior, lovingly point it out and help them practice alternative ways of acting or reacting.  

      To build resilience, we need to show people how they are strong. Most likely they do not see it. In fact, they do not see how they can get through. Redefine strength for them. For many people, strength is seen in an all or nothing sense, they are either victorious or defeated. We will need to celebrate little wins with them to show them that these are valid victories. 

      Did they get out of bed this morning? We need to celebrate that (especially if they struggle with this) because it is difficult to motivate themselves to do so when they already have a negative perspective of how their day will be. 

      If they have an even bigger win than that, go with celebrating the big one. Even if it is not a complete success, celebrate their efforts. Something I have found helpful for my clients during counseling sessions is redefining what their best looks like in the season they are in. We all know what our peak performance looks like, but sometimes we do not take into account that it will not always look that way. The person’s present best may not look as grand as their past best. Help them see how their lives now are different from that time. Do they have more responsibility, less energy, or less time? Teach them what it means to persevere (and let them know that it is okay to run this mile of their life panting and exhausted). They need to take this one step at a time. 

      It is important to help them set small goals along the way to bigger ones. This will give them something to celebrate rather than being angry or discouraged by how far they are from meeting their overall goal. It helps if they start off with goals they can accomplish and then make the following goals progressively more challenging (according to their current level of strength, resources, and motivation) as they build confidence. Try to make these goals as specific as possible so the person can easily tell when they have met them.

      Show them what inner resources (characteristics) and outer resources (money, community, etc) they have already that can help them get through this time. People who lack hope will often judge situations based on how they feel and so being specific about what they have and how these resources can be used to help them succeed is important. 

      Helping others build a sense of resilience can be a long and difficult process. Be patient because there will be many ups and downs. Try not to take it all on by yourself. Encourage the person to get the help they need, especially in receiving counseling. Therapists are trained to help people through these types of issues. You may have to help the person research different counseling options in their area. If the person is hesitant, it may be helpful if you volunteered to go with them and wait outside during their session or in the waiting area, just so they feel a sense of comfort. 

      Remember your limitations. You cannot do everything, but God has you in that person’s life in order to play a part in helping him or her. Rely on Him to guide you and give you discernment through this process.