Day 4 in England: Worth

Today we led 3 lessons (but spoke in 7 classrooms) at St. Wilfrid's in Blackburn. It is the only Christian school we'll be speaking in this week. It was so refreshing to teach the Gospel and speak about Jesus full on. We spoke on topics that would help the students with the exam they were going to take on religious ethics tomorrow.

       Our first lesson was on how the Bible helps people in times of crises. We shared testimonies of verses that have helped us during our rough times. Our second lesson was on Christian attitudes to drug abuse, crime and punishment, medical ethics, and the elderly. We had great discussions in that class and helped them to understand why we feel certain ways about these topics. Our third lesson was on how growing up in a Christian home is different from not growing up in the faith. My husband and I shared our different backgrounds on this topic and got to share our testimonies with the students. Afterward we were able to hang out with some of the students, talk, and answer questions during lunch.

      I found myself speaking about worth and the preciousness of every person throughout the day. It is a topic that is dear to my heart because it is something I grew up struggling with. There were times when I thought I was unloveable because it seemed like the people around me could go from caring about me to despising me in an instant. I thought that maybe there was something about me that made people treat me that way. I would look at others and envy them. I wondered what it was about them that made them loveable because it seemed that others could care for and respect them. It seemed like they were wanted.

      I was very self-conscious and insecure. I thought that I had to work harder to earn love. I strove to be what I believed people wanted me to be (intelligent, hardworking, obedient, and passive). When I failed to be cared for, however, it put me in an even darker place because I was doing my best but it didn't seem to be enough. I often felt hopeless.

      There were times when I wondered if anyone would even care if I was gone. In fact, I thought people would be better off if I were dead because then they might be happier and wouldn't have to worry about me. I would wonder how people would respond if I died. I would be at such a low place sometimes that thinking of how sad people might be seemed to be affirming to me.

      I struggled with this sense of being worthless for 21 years. It wasn't until God got a hold of me that that started to change. One of my favorite portions of Scripture is Psalm 139:13-14 and 16. It says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well....all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

      I used to look at others' personalities and skills and think that they were better than my own. I would tear myself down and wish I was someone else. God used these verses to help me see that He made me intentionally and special (you can read more about this in one of my earlier blog posts Fearfully and Wonderfully Made). He made me purposefully and He absolutely treasures me. I'm not supposed to look like anyone else because He made each of us to be our unique selves. 

      I had such low self-esteem that I would even think that God may have loved me when He created me but that it had changed because I had sinned a great deal since then. I would battle guilt and shame constantly. It wasn't until God showed me the last verse I quoted that the battle changed. It says that God already knew all the days ordained for me. He knew what I would do and the choices I would make, but He still loved me and wanted me enough to bring me into creation. 

      As I told this story in St. Wilfrid's, there were many students I noticed nodding and entranced as I spoke. One girl really stuck out to me. I could tell that she had struggled with the thought that she didn't matter and that it might be better if she was dead. I know that God was doing something different in that girl. 

Please pray that the students (and teachers) continue to think about what we shared; that the Christian teachers in the school would be a testimony and example of God's love; and that our time with them would debunk the myths they've heard about God and make them curious about who He truly is.